I am a dynamic figure, often scaling walls and crushing Ice. I have remodeled train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I help Umberto Eco with his spelling. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I can cook thirty minutes brownies in twenty minutes. I am expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once defended a Japanese village from an attack of demons. I play bluegrass cello...I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored I build large suspension bridges over inconvenient puddles. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless plagiarist. Critics worldwide swoon over my original Line of stainless steel evening wear. I debate vigorously. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail...Last year I toured Finland with a travelling centrifugal effect demonstration...My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Dogs trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David copperfield in one day and still had time to redecorate a dinning room that evening. I have performed several covert operations for the Yap Islands secret service. I sleep once every twelve days; when I do I sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Ulan Bator, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics don't apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and all my bills are paid. On weekends to let off steam I teach vintage train driving and participate in full contact origami. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, Cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and scrabble games at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open heart surgery and spoken with Elvis, but I never ever tell the truth.

I am one of the founding members of the notorious **** Creek Paddle Co. But I am not now nor have I ever been one of the Beverly sisters