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Turkey Butts' Survival Plan For Gentlemen
Hello, fellow crazy people who think something akin to a zombie might exist in the future for some dumb reason, This here is my survival plan which will, honestly, probably fail miserably. Still, it is the best plan I have. If you feel like insulting, besmirching, slandering, insinuating it sucks, or offering constructive criticism, please comment.
Part 0 – Accessing my location, abilities and disadvantages
The first thing one must look at when in a situation of life or death, is not what guns they should take, or how to punch whatever is trying to kill you(Although such ability might be useful), it is where you are and how you can bend such location to your will, and then how such location can bend you to her will
I live in São Paulo, Brazil in the suburbs, in one side I have the metropolis zone with 20 million people or so, and in the other a region known as Cotia, relatively unpopulated and with some farms and cattle ranches.
My abilities are, for the most part, useless in face of anything trying to kill me, still, I will list them for the sake of listing:
Writing- I am a quite good writer, but unless zombies can appreciate wit, I do not see how it can help.
Computer skills- I know my way around computers. This might be useful in conjunction with the various gps programs that exist for computers, other than that, not much.
Gentlemanship- I do not think zombies would know the valor of honor nor would they agree to duels and fisticuffs, so I must sadly say my greatest skill will be useless
My disadvantages are not so useless, in fact, they contribute a great deal to the fact that I will most probably die:
Various Diseases- I have respiratory problems, osteoporosis, allergic conjunctivitis, stomachic reflux and many more diseases too numerous to mention
Flimsy- When I punch people I hurt myself more than I hurt them, then they get sorry for me and stop trying to beat me up, yeah.
Short-Breathed- I can’t run for very long before having to catch my breath
In short, my surroundings can bend me to its will quite easily, and I would break my back if I tried to bend it.
Part 1 – Equipment
Most of us probably have some kind of equipment we want to take with us before throwing ourselves into the horde of zombies with our retarded plans, and I am no different, hereby is the list of stuff I would take:
One fine day, I was walking with a friend around a hardware store, he was looking for some nails or something. It was then that I saw these 40mm rubber hammers going for the low low price of 5 bucks, of course I couldn’t resist, later I would question my judgment, mostly because nothing I ever do require hammers, still, it bodes well for my zombie survival.
I would use it for two things:
-Breaking down doors
-Breaking down zombies
One might question my ability to do the later, and so do I as I look at my flimsy, weak arms, I assure you it would be a last resort, in those times when you can’t help but shout: “Oh, golly gee!”
Got it from my mum for Christmas . It will keep me warm and is thick enough to defend me from scratching and soften up bashing, probably wouldn’t help much against bites though.
A few things that help me against my respiratory problems, would last for a few months and quite handy, I suppose
A big bag with lots of space for stuff that is designed to keep the weight even and nice, even my flimsy body can carry lots of stuff with this here pickle.
Stuff that keeps you alive, you see.
My Fine Tea Selection:
From Earl Grey to Orange Ceylon Tea, no gentleman would be found without his tea selection
(No need for images)
To use with my tea, no gentleman would be found not putting a dash of milk into his tea
My Tea Cup:
For use with my tea, no gentleman would be found without a proper tea cup.
(Too fine for images)
Being caught outside without a finely crafted hat would be the demise of any gentleman
Same as the bowl Hat, also helps with walking.
Some might say half of this list is completely useless, but you must understand that I am a gentleman, and such things must never leave my possession lest I disgrace my honor and all gentlemen stand for. A horde of zombies isn’t enough for me to thrown such out of the window.
Part 2 – The Team
Of course, being such a weak individual, trying to survive in the cold, harsh zombie world by myself would be quite suicidal, so I would try to get my friends that are closest to me to come along. Instead of saying their real names, they shall be referred to by their nicknames:
Of Russian descent, the guy that gave me the Russian Military Beret. Unlike me, he is quite sturdy, and even has a gun, although it is some crazy cold war Russian rifle that we will never be able to find ammo for, he still is the guy to go to when you want something dead, though
A gentleman, much like me, except he prefers, and writes, poetry, he still is a very close friend and the one I go to when I want a opinion on my writings. He also is quite the alcoholic, and all the liquor has given him some pain resistance. He has a dagger and a rapier, and is quite proficient with both
Part 3 – Zero Hour
After grabbing all of the objects I have discussed previously, I would pack most of it in the backpack, the cup of tea would be particularly well packed, put inside of a box stuffed with purple silk, so it does not break. Of course I would not pack the winter coat, bowl hat and walking cane since such things are needed for my survival. Let’s pretend my team is all here and ready.
Now, the best plan, given my location, would be to flee to Cotia, where the relatively sparse population would give me a better chance than the millions in the metropolis. I would get there by walking through the main highway where there might be cars I can loot. After I get there I would enter one of the farms and hole up there, all of this, given that I will be moving at a walking pace (Any other pace with a walking cane would be ridiculous) will take no more than 2 hours
If I find any zombies along the way, we will try to sneak by, if that fails, I will let the others handle it while I give much needed moral support.
Part 4 – Settling In
Now that we have a place to hold out in, we will probably spend the first day improving it’s defenses, a basic trench and wall for starts, I would also see if any of the vegetables are still there, renewable food sources are quite handy dandy.
The next day would have Ivan raiding the suburbs(He always prefers doing things by himself, this time I would let him) and me and Helstein continue improving defenses, if we found any vegetables last day we would try to plant them somewhere inside the perimeter of the trench
I would rather not plan ahead too much, the plan would get too big and might fail, I(And any gentlemen who decide to follow this guide) can see how the situation goes from there and plan then. Obviously, one must not forget to always prepare tea in the afternoon and have a tea break like a true gentlemen, you can discuss the plan with your friends there.
Part 5 – In Conclusion
I will most probably die.
This plan may be edited in the future.
Latest page update: made by Turkeybro
, Jan 15 2010, 4:27 AM EST
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|Started By||Thread Subject||Replies||Last Post|
|DarcMenon||To Sir Turkey Butts||8||Oct 25 2011, 8:52 PM EDT by SasquatchJim|
Thread started: Aug 1 2010, 4:39 PM EDT Watch
My good sir Turkey Butts,
I do quite enjoy the air in which you assist your companions. It is quite enjoyable, if i may say so. i did find a few things out of place in your survival though.
A. the first of which was your amount of tea. How much tea did you pack? Are you sure it shall be enough to survive for that long? And shouldn't you pack more of your tea set in the instance you find other gentlemen as yourself?
B. Why would you have the help running around on their own? They could get lost or worse, they might find another job! You do realize how hard it is to find good help these days. you should use a buddy system if you can.
C. Why walk the same path as the peasants. Stay off these "highways" they use nowadays too many peasants, and they might be infected. How horrid.
Well i do hope this gentleman could assist in your escapades, we should have tea before you go on your trip. Toodles!
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