"I am using a style used by the author Hubert Selby, Jr
His most famous work was Requiem for a dream
If you havent read it I sugest you do
it will make you think twice about the whos walking
It makes you try to understand the personalty of the person saying the things
at first it was impossible for me to read his book but it got alot easier... also my book does show more, but this is the first scene"

"I read the beginning with the introduction of the characters and whatnot, it seems to be a good piece, but your lack of spacing and formating the text makes it nigh on unbearable to read.

Even though your favourite writer does like this doesnt mean you should, if you want people to read it, you need to make it easier to read.
Right now it's just a *********** of words mashed together, and it takes away alot of the readability and general feel of the whole text.
"

"Because, honestly, certain writing styles and genres work better in specific formats then others.
You can't force your writing into something because it works for another, entirely different author.

I can go through and respace it if you want andwii."

"I agree you can't force a book to take on a certain format because another author used the same format, you have to use the format that gos with your style of writing.

I'm no writer and every time iv ever tried its sucked so my opinion could be wrong but it is my opinion."

"Well, it's really a matter of finding writing that you enjoy doing. If you find such, your hypothetical skill doesn't matter.

A few hints:
-Proper grammar is very helpful, it gives the best appearance possible and keeps your story understandable.
Also, spellcheck cannot correct grammatical mistakes, as they cannot see if you're using a correctly spelled but improperly used term, writing fragments or run ons, etc.

-Avoid speaking in a completely literal sense. If it'd sound awkward in real life, it sounds worse in writing. This applies to both dialogue and your descriptions. At the same time, don't spend three paragraphs describing how Timmy opened a door either.

-Break up text, especially any kind of dialogue. Easier to read, easier to work with.

-Differ the word you use to refer to an object or person.
ie, don't say: Bob got into his car. Bob turned the key and started the engine of the car. The car pulled out as Bob pressed the gas.

ie, maybe say: Bob climbed into his pickup. The engine roared as the ignition key was turned. He applied the gas and the red vehicle smoothly pulled out of the lot.

-Use balanced emotion. You can't have everyone be pillars of calm and calculating skill. You need sarcasm, hate, love, confidence, doubt, everything. ALWAYS used in dialogue, nice for most anything else.

-Flaws are a key to any story. Characters are best built around flaws, and so are working plots and conflicts.
If you run out of ideas, think of what is wrong, and how to solve it eventually."

"Writing the piece in a word processor (Microsoft Word) and then C&Ping it into a page on this site would fix that."