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Nexus_Oblivion
Nexus_Oblivion
Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 1 2008, 7:43 AM EDT | Post edited: Oct 1 2008, 7:43 AM EDT
I figured I should do this because looking over my story, it isn’t exactly coherently constructed (it isn’t understandable and flowing properly). If theres anything any of you do not understand or that doesn’t make sense. Post it here or message me and I’ll see if I can fix it. I really enjoy writing these stories but I do know there are some problems, so post anything that I can do to improve my story. Do you find this valuable?    
cj002
cj002
1. RE: Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 1 2008, 8:18 PM EDT | Post edited: Oct 1 2008, 8:18 PM EDT
Theyre in a high school but your character is only twelve Freshmen are usally between 14 and 15 1  out of 1 found this valuable. Do you?    
Nexus_Oblivion
Nexus_Oblivion
2. RE: Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 1 2008, 10:19 PM EDT | Post edited: Oct 1 2008, 10:19 PM EDT
"Theyre in a high school but your character is only twelve Freshmen are usally between 14 and 15"
lol snap...my characters are supposed to be between 17-18 years old. Doing some extra research I figured this would be their Junior/Senior years at high school. I be sure to add this imformation in my story.

Michael= Junior Year (17 years old)
Ted= Junior Year (17 years old)
Cheryl= Junior Year (17 years old)
Kelly= Junior Year (17 years old)
David= Junior Year (17 years old)
Jessica= Senior Year (18 years old)
Carlos= Freshman (14 years old)


hope thats all correct and also what made you think the character 12? Do you find this valuable?    
cj002
cj002
3. RE: Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 1 2008, 11:53 PM EDT | Post edited: Oct 1 2008, 11:53 PM EDT
I couldve sworn that youn siad he was if not sorry but if hes supposed to be a junior my point still stands... sortve, he just dosnt seem as old as he should be. Do you find this valuable?    
Nexus_Oblivion
Nexus_Oblivion
4. RE: Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 2 2008, 1:48 AM EDT | Post edited: Oct 2 2008, 1:48 AM EDT
I didnt mention any of my characters being 12 but point taken, He does sorta come off as younger then hes supposed too. Maybe its the way he acts? I dont know. Can you tell me where in the story he doesnt seem as old as he should be?

note: since your the only one who is posting, you mind telling me how you are going with understanding whos talking in my story? Is it hard to figure out who talking? Do you find this valuable?    
cj002
cj002
5. RE: Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 2 2008, 8:11 PM EDT | Post edited: Oct 2 2008, 8:11 PM EDT
Ok well I went back and read again and iv got a few things to say. One is I guess your character donst really come across that young I just got that thought though and it stuck with me so sorry. Also a few wierd little things that dont matter that much, first unless its a catholic school american kids almost never wear school uniforms, two when you first see a zombie eating the kid kyle reacts wierdly, class clown or not, i doubt any kid would responed that way, thirdly when youv just left the classroom your teacher says to get to the v building and that it would be risky which is wierd becuase how would he know, you can fix this easily just mention somthing like the school just announced an evacuation and your teacher stoped and found out that everyone was going to the v building to watch the news. Also if your having issues with finding whos talking just look to novels as a guide to write diolouge, the things authors do usually is when one person is talking and another respondes put each different diferent persons diolouge on the next line, and always end with somthing to the effect of he siad. Ill give a sample:

Jhon walked into the room "Hey Sally" he siad.
"Oh hey Jhon" she replied "Where have you been?"
"Huh, you know sick again" he sighed.
"Yeah right" George hollered
He hurled down his binder and strolled twoards them "You were faking." George quipped
"No" he whinned "I was, it was typhode."
"Yeah right" he replied. Do you find this valuable?    
cj002
cj002
6. RE: Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 2 2008, 8:47 PM EDT | Post edited: Oct 2 2008, 8:47 PM EDT
"Jhon walked into the room "Hey Sally" he siad.
"Oh hey Jhon" she replied "Where have you been?"
"Huh, you know sick again" he sighed.
"Yeah right" George hollered
He hurled down his binder and strolled twoards them "You were faking." George quipped
"No" he whinned "I was, it was typhode."
"Yeah right" he replied."
As youll see characters actions can be on the same line while different characters speaking should be separated. When a man and a girl are talking its as simple as he siad she siad, this works similarly with a child talking to a grown up and such. Obviously this dosnt work with two guys but you can use somthing like he siad then he replied. Do you find this valuable?    
Nexus_Oblivion
Nexus_Oblivion
7. RE: Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 2 2008, 11:10 PM EDT | Post edited: Oct 2 2008, 11:10 PM EDT
That is very helpful thanks man. I do notice that other peoples stories do have lines separating each piece of dialog. I will fix all the errors you metioned. The school uniform well thats because my school is private and I guess it rubbed off in my story. Without futher bothering you I will make changes and once again if you see anything else weird dont hesitate to say something. Do you find this valuable?    
cj002
cj002
8. RE: Any Criticism/things to improve for my story?
Oct 3 2008, 6:35 PM EDT | Post edited: Oct 3 2008, 6:35 PM EDT
No problem, I plan to add to the story myself and if you have anything to say feel free. Do you find this valuable?