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possumblaster |
First story
Jan 10 2010, 8:49 PM EST
OK I'm waiting on my laundry to get done and decided to write a short story.I have never written a story before, so any criticism is welcome. Do you find this valuable?
Keyword tags:
apocolypse
fiction
first
story
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MajorDamage |
1. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 9:45 PM EST
Good job blowing up/taking out StrykerPez, Fatcatowner and whoever else they were transporting to your place:-D Do you find this valuable? |
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possumblaster |
2. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 9:55 PM EST
"Good job blowing up/taking out StrykerPez, Fatcatowner and whoever else they were transporting to your placeLOL, for everyone's information: If you're coming to my location and the sign says stop, THEN STOP!!! :) Do you find this valuable? |
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MajorDamage |
3. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 9:58 PM EST
"LOL, for everyone's information:is the sign in NEON? This event occured at night right? Do you find this valuable? |
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possumblaster |
4. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 9:59 PM EST
| Post edited: Jan 10 2010, 10:02 PM EST
It was actually in the afternoon. My intent was that by the time it was all over and done it was getting dark when I hit the lawn chair and started drinking again.The picture at the end of the story with the fire at night-time might need to be changed as to not throw anyone off. The character, me, is an alcoholic and sleeps no matter what time of day it is depending on how much he's been drinking. I'll try to clarify that more. Do you find this valuable? |
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MajorDamage |
5. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 10:01 PM EST
"It was actually in the afternoon. My intent was that by the time it was all over and done it was getting dark when I hit the lawn chair and started drinking again."oh, oops. I thought you worked from dawn till dusk and all that :-) and what a warning shot, claymore up the ass Do you find this valuable? |
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possumblaster |
6. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 10:06 PM EST
"oh, oops. I thought you worked from dawn till dusk and all thatOh, in real life I will, but this is just a story of fiction. My fictional self blows up everything in sight :) Do you find this valuable? |
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MajorDamage |
7. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 10:06 PM EST
your 'stop' sign reminded me of "Unforgiven" when Clint's character went into town during a pouring-ass rainstorm and couldn't see/read the sign on 'no guns'who the hell could read back then anyway? Do you find this valuable? |
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possumblaster |
8. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 10:10 PM EST
| Post edited: Jan 10 2010, 10:11 PM EST
Hah. Another point that I probably didn't convey, is when myself and my friend say: "What is wrong with these people" That was supposed to be sort of derogatory to ourselves as far as blowing up the truck and killing the driver/passengers. Kind of like we were more savage than the raiders.
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Maricely |
9. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 10:10 PM EST
I liked the story. If I could critique one thing, some sentences seem to be taking place in the present, while other sentences sound like the character's remembering the event.
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possumblaster |
10. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 10:12 PM EST
| Post edited: Jan 10 2010, 10:21 PM EST
"I liked the story. If I could critique one thing, some sentences seem to be taking place in the present, while other sentences sound like the character's remembering the event. "Thanks for the input. Actually, believe it or not that is kind of what I was going for. The main character is an alcoholic, and daydreams a lot. He will watch something happen, and then pause to reflect on past experiences and think about random things at purely random times. Like zombies attack and then the character might stop to think about a past girlfriend, a childhood friend, or something. I actually used to have an alcohol problem in the past, and I am trying to convey what goes through their head. Such as blowing up a truck and then going back home to listen to music. Kind of like they don't care about the world so much anymore. I might expand the story more with new chapters depending on time. Thanks for the input MD and Maricely Do you find this valuable? |
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Maricely |
11. RE: First story
Jan 10 2010, 10:54 PM EST
I get what you're saying but that's not the parts that I was referring to. For example, the sentences"The grass was really turning green. It was early afternoon in mid-spring…" and "My chores are done for the day. I have cleaned my rifles…" Are those two taking place in the same day? Because the first sentence is past tense, and the second sentence is present. That's what I meant. Do you find this valuable? |
AgEnT_GrEEn |
12. RE: First story
Jan 11 2010, 6:09 PM EST
"Good job blowing up/taking out StrykerPez, Fatcatowner and whoever else they were transporting to your placeGood thing i decided to stay pack and play poker >;-D @ Possumblaster: Good stuff. One thing I will ask tho is what NIN track you played. Do you find this valuable? |
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possumblaster |
13. RE: First story
Jan 11 2010, 7:25 PM EST
" One thing I will ask tho is what NIN track you played."NIN - Please It's off of the right CD of The Fragile. I love how it's produced. Do you find this valuable? |
John_234 |
14. RE: First story
Jan 11 2010, 9:47 PM EST
The pictures aren't really formatted into the text. I could do that for you, if you like.The thoughts are rather confusing when placed into the text like that. You might want to use italics to make them more distinct. Daniel: and Me: wasn't really needed, as you didn't use that form of dialogue in the rest of the post. It rather breaks up the pace of the writing as well. Do you find this valuable? |
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AgEnT_GrEEn |
15. RE: First story
Jan 12 2010, 2:21 PM EST
"NIN - PleaseGood track :) Be sure to put the track title in the story....details like that help to develop the scenes better. Do you find this valuable? |
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John_234 |
16. RE: First story
Jan 13 2010, 10:42 PM EST
Though, reading it over, there's no direction. What makes a good story is conflict. When the guys roll up with massive resources and your two, mostly unprepared characters overrun them, it seems like a non-event. A good story needs an honest conflict. A simple battle wouldn't mean much. Now, if your guys confronted them, to interrogate their presence, I think you'd get a much more interesting event. Or you could keep it mostly the same, but there were effective survivors from the blast, and you lost a guy. Short stories must be profound to be effective. Do you find this valuable? |
